Tuesday, 22 October 2013

Case No. 1: Relish v Toronto

Good day to you all, and welcome to Food Court.

All rise for... me! (another "bitch I'm fabulous" moment) My name is Haighton Relish, C.J., your guide for this trip. Who am I? Where have I come from? Are you really the pretentious twat your name makes you sound like? Irrelevant. All you need to know is that I love food, I love wine, I love seeking out both things and I love you, dear reader. I don't want you to eat badly. Life is too short. We all enjoy a 3AM trip to Mickey D's once in a while (even you, juice cleanse enthusiasts, admit it), but such meals should be confined to drunken mistakes, like that night with the guy in your Torts class, imbued with well-deserved shame and regret.

So you want to eat well. That's good. You live in the right city. Toronto is a magnificent place to score a good meal. But it's big. Very big. There's a lot of options. Often called the most multicultural city in the world, it's no shock that the range of food options, from Afghan to Zimbabwean (the latter at least, I imagine. I've yet to try it) can be dizzying, frightening and intimidating. That's why I'm here.

But Haighton, eating well is expensive! Why shouldn't I just subsist on cup a soup and day old bread? True, some of the best restaurants in the city can be a bit hard on the wallet. But many of the best meals to be had in this city can be bought for less than what you spend on four Pumpkin Spice Lattes a week. (#psl #pumpkinspice #psl10 #whogivesafuck) I aim to present you with a range of options- the fancy and the divey, the high and the low. Food doesn't have to cost a lot to taste pretty damn amazing.

I will aim to present to you reviews on a regular basis, with an overall score out of 10, like a Pitchfork review without the musician-name dropping crap. Feedback will be provided about the decor, the vibe, the price, the service and the quality of the product. Then I will render my final verdict.

Oh God, Haighton, another food blog? How original. Slow clap. Hmm, a fair point perhaps. The chorus of voices out there singing the praises of the lobster roll are large and loud. Nevertheless, I feel as though I offer a distinctive voice on the scene. This is certainly a unique framework. And you don't have to read it, mmkay? But otherwise, hopefully reading this will be informative, fun, and will give you something to scroll on your iPhone while hiding out in the bathroom to dodge work.

I plan to provide you with some regular features; how to eat within your law firm's dinner budget, and corporate lunching are two I'm toying with. Maybe something Perez Hilton-y, like "Sushitastic" or "Taco Time"... I'm going to have to work on those names, those are pretty horrendous. I'm also open to the idea of guest contributors, and guest diners as well, because no one likes to eat alone. Your feedback along the way will be much appreciated. I aim to give the people what they want.

The city's wining and dining establishments are on trial, and the docket is full. Food Court is in session, and it ain't over til' the fat lady keels over from too much bacon.


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